My 40th birthday is two days away. It is a big one. 40 is a lot of years put together; almost half a century and a great opportunity to look back and reflect on my time spent on this planet and the lessons learned.
What strikes me is that I don’t feel 40. Deep inside, I am still the little girl who was running thourgh the sand by the Black Sea, chasing waves and collecting seashells. The only thing that changed is that today, instead of chasing waves, I ride them, and as far as the seashells- well, I no longer collect things as I want to travel as light as possible.
Purity stayed with me all along, more precisely, I reconnected with it by peeling away the layers, the years of my ‘time-heavy’ conditioning. Purity that besets love, bewilderment at life’s wonders and compassion.
As I reflect, I can’t help but smile at all those ‘tremendous’ moments, all the dramatic breakups that I thought were worth dying over- only to realize that I don’t even remember his or her name anymore. The colossal fights over unimportant things, my impatience about getting into a specific club on a specific night, my entitlement for free drugs, my incessant nagging to get what I want, my disappointments over not getting this or that part, my constant comparing myself to everyone and everything around me. The perpetual mental fracas was as intense as three tsunamis hitting at once. All those years I thought I was so wise, so enlightened just because I went to yoga, because I talked about spirituality, because I carried a shawl with the embroidered ‘OM’ on it , only to realize that I was WIDE FUCKING ASLEEP. Asleep with eyes open, my spirit asleep, my essence asleep. Something finally clicked this year. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I stopped dating and gave up the fleeting joy of sexual activity for many months now and the perpetual need to unite with someone. It freed up a lot of time and space in my head to honor ME, to travel, to get deeper into my meditation practice and to realize that the very perennial need to unite with someone was truly a search for my higher self, my essence, my spirit, the genderless, unadulterated ‘being’ that lives in every single one of us.
I sit in silence every morning, with a giant grin on my face in gratitude that I am still here with many more opportunities to learn countless lessons and welcome revelations, in awe of how far I have come, how much I love who and how I am and the things I do and how I do them. It took many, many years to get here and my wish for all of you is to find the stillness that will deafen your thoughts so you can too experience the reemergence of the spirit, allowing your infinite self to shine light, to elevate and help everyone and everything around you live the best possible existence in this lifetime.